Thursday, June 5, 2008

I Am the Walrus

I went to the dentist today. This normally wouldn't be an interesting thing to blog about, but I honestly can't remember the last time I'd been to one. I know I went once between the time I got my wisdom teeth out (about 1991 or so) and now, but no idea when that was.

RedFaery's had a lot of dental work done. Between her autoimmune disorder leaching minerals and her asthma medication decaying her teeth, she's spent a lot of time there, and has made good use of our dental plan - so I've never felt like I've wasted money.

After hearing her stories of how well they've treated her, I decided to give it a try. After all, cleanings twice a year are no charge, and I was getting a sharp pain when drinking cold liquids.

I drove all the way back to Corydon for an 8am appointment (yawn!). As usual, I missed several things on my paperwork, like putting down my signature. I almost told them to sign it for me - after all, no one can read my writing anyway, so no one would know better.

Back i go in the tilting chair and taking x-rays; I love the taste of cardboard in the morning. This is when I first notice that half of the dental assistants there were named Krissy, or Chrissy. I have to wonder if this a requirement for the job.

As Krissy (with a K) pokes my gums with a sharp metal stick, and I ponder old Bill Cosby comedy routines, she tells me that because of the build up, she has to use a waterblaster. Think "sandblaster" - same principle.

As water spits up out of my mouth, I'm occaisionally squeezing the armrests of the chair when she hits sensitive areas. You know that pain that travels down your back into your right butt cheek, making your toes involuntarily curl? No? Maybe it's just me then.

Next she moves in with the metal hook, which surprising wasn't all that bad after experiencing water lasers of death. A few heavy scrapes and she was done.

Next came the polish. Krissy was a master with the little spinning thing. I remember back in the old days when the dental assistants would dip and polish, dip and polish, etc. Krissy would dip, smear the polish on several teeth, THEN polish each of those teeth. I get the world's first Tooth Ninja on my choppers!

While polishing, Krissy starts numbering my molars that have fillings to another dental assistant (another Krissy probably). As she calls out 13, 8, 3, 7, I keep expecting someone to yell out "Bingo!" I would have for comedy purposes, but with my mouth full of ladyfingers, it would have probably sounded like "Galglah!", so I passed.

Finally the dentist comes in and pokes around for a couple of minutes, declares that I have no cavities and tells me to floss more and use toothpaste for sensitive teeth, and leaves. I swear, that's gotta be the easiest job in the world! Wear white outfits, have everyone respect you and call you doctor, and surrounded by Krissys all day long!

I opt for the floride treatment, since I had money in the bank. I secretly believe there's a hidden camera somewhere in the room taking pictures of these orange things hanging out of my mouth, so they can pull them up and laugh later.

Finally I'm done. I pay Chrissy (with a C) for the floride treatment and head to work. Can't eat for half an hour, so the drive there is long enough to stop into McDonalds in an effort to returning plaque to my now-naked teeth.

I wonder how many pounds of plaque was knocked off? Can't wait to weigh myself and see!


Redfaery said...

I swear they are not all named Chrissy. There is one named Diane, that's usually the lady I get in there.

Lee said...

Never admit on the world-wide web that you had a pound of plaque on your teeth.


ActingUpAgain said...

It was more like 16 ounces...